Big Brother Don't Surf

They're goin' off right now in Libya, Bahrain and Yemen. They've already gone off in Tunisia and Egypt. Oman, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Iran...who knows what's next?

Exploitative dictatorships and "monarchies" across the world are, suddenly, in very deep shit. Why?

The internet. It's as simple as that. Almost overnight, it has become literally impossible for anyone - even Big Brother - to keep information from the masses. And make no mistake - information is power.

Gaddafi switched off the internet last night across Libya, just like Mubarak did a few weeks ago in Egypt. It didn't save Mubarak, and it won't save Gaddafi. People have satellite connections, mobile phones hooked into facebook and youtube; thousands of online friends in other countries to help them share information, photos, videos and messages of hope and inspiration. The technology has reached the point of no return, and there's just no way to stop it. Not with batons. Not with bullets. Not with tanks.

Orwell was a smart guy, but if he lived today he would surely shake his head in wonderment at how badly he got it wrong. His disturbingly chilling vision of the future was founded on the idea that all information was controlled by the State. Big Brother was the only channel you could ever watch: a never-ending broadcast of lies. The constant stream of dis-information helped to keep the people in an un-knowing, entirely subservient state of oppression. And so it has been in Tunisia. In Egypt. In Libya.

Until now.

Big Brother don't surf...but we do.

Recipe 5 - Court Dude's Profound Polynesian Pork Chops

Ingredients

• 4 boneless pork chops, 3/4" thick
• 1 teaspoons garlic powder
• 1 teaspoons vegetable oil
• 1 medium medium onion
• 1 can Golden Mushroom Soup
• 1 can (8 oz.) pineapple chunks
• 1/4 cup water
• 3 tablespoons soy sauce
• 1 tbsp. Honey
• 2 cups cooked Instant White Rice
• green onions, sliced

Directions

1. SEASON chops with garlic.
2. HEAT oil in skillet. Add chops and cook until browned. Add onion.
3. ADD soup, pineapple with juice, water, soy and honey. Heat to a boil. Cook over low heat 10 min. or until done.
4. SERVE with rice and garnish with green onions.

Recipe 4 - Court Dude's Fantastic Finnish Pulla

Ingredients

• 2 cups milk
• 1/2 cup warm water (110 degrees F/45 degrees C)
• 1 (.25 ounce) package active dry yeast
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cardamom
• 4 eggs, beaten
• 9 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup butter, melted
• 1 egg, beaten
• 2 tablespoons white sugar

Directions

1. Warm the milk in a small saucepan until it bubbles, then remove from heat. Let cool until lukewarm.
2. Dissolve the yeast in the warm water. Stir in the lukewarm milk, sugar, salt, cardamom, 4 eggs, and enough flour to make a batter (approximately 2 cups). Beat until the dough is smooth and elastic. Add about 3 cups of the flour and beat well; the dough should be smooth and glossy in appearance. Add the melted butter or margarine, and stir well. Beat again until the dough looks glossy. Stir in the remaining flour until the dough is stiff.
3. Turn out of bowl onto a floured surface, cover with an inverted mixing bowl, and let rest for 15 minutes. Knead the dough until smooth and satiny. Place in a lightly greased mixing bowl, and turn the dough to grease the top. Cover with a clean dishtowel. Let rise in a warm place until doubled in bulk, about 1 hour. Punch down, and let rise again until almost doubled.
4. Turn out again on to a floured surface, and divide into 3 parts. Divide each third into 3 again. Roll each piece into a 12 to 16 inch strip. Braid 3 strips into a loaf. You should get 3 large braided loaves. Lift the braids onto greased baking sheets. Let rise for 20 minutes.
5. Brush each loaf with egg wash and sprinkle with sugar.
6. Bake at 400 degrees F (205 degrees C) for 25 to 30 minutes. Check occasionally because the bottom burns easily.

Absurd Charges Part 3 - Offensive Language, Resist Arrest, Assault Police ("The Trifecta")

The Trifecta is well known amongst criminal lawyers, and unfortunately, amongst many ordinary Australians. It is a common set of charges often used by the police to maliciously and unnecessarily punish people they meet who are apparently impolite or disrespectful - usually because they just don't happen to like them.

This Week's Actual Example

You have epilepsy. You're prone to petit mal seizures. You know it can happen at any minute, so you don't leave the house alone. You're walking down the street with your girlfriend one sunny day when a seizure hits. You're lying on the footpath, with your girlfriend assisting, when the police pull up. She tries to explain, but they simply won't listen and think you're drunk. They try to arrest you. She's screaming now, hysterical, worried for your safety. "He's a fucking epileptic, you fucking morons, leave him alone!". No use. They pull out the handcuffs. She tries to snatch them away from the officer. "If you handcuff him now he could break his arms, you stupid, stupid people. Can't you see he's having a seizure?!" The other officer grabs your girlfriend, who struggles all the way into the wagon.

You wake up in hospital. You have both been slammed with the Trifecta!

To defend the charges, you both now need a lawyer. You need medical reports. You both need time off work. There are no witnesses that you know of. It's your word against that of the police. And if you are successful in defending the charges, there is virtually no way to get any of your costs back.

What's Wrong With This Scenario?

I would estimate that of all the people I have assisted who had the Trifecta, 60% were totally, indisputably and completely innocent of any actual wrongdoing. They were in no way endangering the community, or themselves, or causing trouble worthy of being arrested and charged. In fact, in these situations (such as the one above), the trouble only starts when the police arrive!

So much time and effort of the police, the courts and the general public goes into prosecuting and defending these charges. Haven't we all got better things to do?

Court Dude's Solution

Firstly, ensure police are trained to understand what an epileptic fit looks like!

Secondly, the word "fuck" is used by police themselves, regularly, and cannot be said to be offensive to police. This is the law (for example, the decision of Anderson, an unreported decision of the NSW Court of Criminal Appeal in 1995) and many people who have defended these exact charges are found not guilty. It is a complete double standard for the police to prosecute for "offensive" language they use themselves. But the trend continues, across the country. There were a staggering 17,000 offensive language and offensive conduct charges last year in NSW alone!

Are we really all that offensive?

Thirdly, resist arrest and assault police are relatively serious charges. Police should only levy these charges in serious circumstances. Senior police, who are responsible for deciding whether to proceed with prosecutions or not, need to be held accountable when a court finds the charges entirely unfounded - particularly when the charges are part of a systemic abuse of the law - as is happening now, Australia-wide. There were over 7700 resist arrest or hinder police charges and 2600 assault police charges last year in NSW alone.

Are all lawyers middle class wankers?

No, of course not!

Not all lawyers are middle class...

Court Dude's Definition of Class in Today's Society:


Working-Class: anyone who must work to support themsleves;

Middle-Class: anyone who did work, and may still work, but doesn't have to anymore;

Upper-Class:  anyone who has never worked, never had to work, never had any friends who worked and is genuinely horrified by the very prospect of work (strangely, the same definition as the dole-bludger!).

So, despite most lawyers believing they are middle class wankers, 90% of them are actually working class wankers and only 10% are middle class wankers. None, in case you didn't already know, are upper class wankers!

So why do they all think they're middle class? It's because they read books, apparently.

Glad we cleared that up...

Recipe 3 - Court Dude's Astounding Grilled Asparagus

Ingredients:

• SERVES 2-4 as a Side Dish
• a generous handful of asparagus (enough for 2-4 people)
• 2 Tbsp. oyster sauce (or vegetarian oyster sauce - available at Asian food stores)
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 Tbsp. fresh lime juice
• 1 Tbsp. brown sugar
• 1 fresh red chili, minced, OR 1/2 tsp. dried crushed chili OR 1/4 to 1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper.

Preparation:

1. Snap off the tough ends of the asparagus (the spears will naturally snap at the right place). Disgard the ends, or save for soup stock.
2. Mix together the oyster sauce, garlic, lime juice, brown sugar and chili/cayenne to make the marinade.
3. Place asparagus in a flat-bottomed dish or bowl. Pour the marinade over. Use a spoon or pastry brush to distribute the marinade over the length of the spears, or just keep turning the asparagus with your hands until the sauce is well distributed.
4. Allow to marinate at least 10 minutes, or up to 1 hour in the refrigerator.
5. Lightly brush a hot grill with oil. Grill the asparagus until it is lightly browned and slightly withered on the outside, but still crunchy in the middle.
6. Serve with rice, or whatever else you happen to be cooking...

Absurd Charges Part 2 - The Apprehended Violence Order ("AVO") and the Full House

In all States of Australia there is a version of the AVO. If you "reasonably fear or apprehend" that a person may be violent toward you, or that you are in any kind of danger, you can take out an AVO against them. Usual conditions are that person A not "approach, intimidate or otherwise harrass" person B, and there is often a distance from person B, such as 100 or 200 metres, beyond which person A is forbidden by law to go.

There is no requirement to provide any evidence at all to explain why or how you have this "reasonable fear or apprehension" when you apply for the order. You simply fill out a form.

THIS WEEK'S ACTUAL EXAMPLE (hard to believe, but really....): you are an elderly lady living alone in an apartment block in suburban Sydney. There are 7 other apartments in the block, mostly rented by other elderly people living alone. Due to ongoing squabbles about trivial matters such as the use of the laundry, noise at night and common property boundaries, "tensions" are running high and there have been a number of "heated" arguments (insofar as an argument between octogenarians can be heated). There has been no violence, and no threats of violence, and you do not feel scared or threatened in any way. But after a visit by the police, called by one of the tenants after an argument over the clothesline, Tenant A (82 years old) takes out an AVO against a Tenant B (80 year old), apparently on the advice of the police. Tenant B, a good friend of yours, responds with a counter-AVO. You voice your support for Tenant B at a block meeting called to sort out the ongoing problems (which neither Tenant A nor Tenant B can attend due to the respective AVO's having 100 metre restrictions on approaching each other). Tenant C, whom you suspect doesn't like you much, slaps an AVO on you for supporting Tenant B (it must be that, you believe, because you haven't spoken to her in 4 years).  The AVO says you cannot come within 100 metres of Tenant C. But she lives right next door! Tenant C contacts you via her friend, Tenant D, and says you had better not use any facilities in the building, because they are all within 100 metres of her apartment, and she will be calling the police if she sees you anywhere within the buiilding. Tenants E and F visit and say that Tenants A, C and D have now taken out AVO's against them as well, and they have responded with counter AVO's.

So, if all conditions of the various AVO's and counter-AVO's are strictly abided by, nobody in the building can go anywhere or do anything. In fact, everyone in the building is breaking the law and under threat of arrest just by sitting in their apartment watching Days of Our Lives...

If you need advice about what can happen if you breach an AVO, just ask Matthew Newton....

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS SCENARIO? (AS IF THAT WASN'T OBVIOUS...)

1    It is far too easy to get an AVO, simple as that.

This results in the majority of AVO's being taken out for malicious reasons rather than out of genuine "fear and apprehension".

COURT DUDE'S SOLUTION

Ensure that the police actually investigate a person's claims they need an AVO before allowing them to file an application for one, and provide serious penalties for false or malicious requests. Police should not recommend an AVO application can proceed unless they are satisfied there is a reasonable chance it woould be upheld at a proper hearing of the evidence.

Seems pretty ^%%$$#ing obvious, doesn't it?!

COURT DUDE STATISTIC - in NSW in 2009 alone, one person in every 445 had an AVO granted against them.

Absurd Charges Part 1 - the "moving on" order. (You don't have to go home but you can't stay here....)

In most states of Australia, police have the power to order punters to "move on". Just go somewhere else, please, fast. Anywhere will do, as long as it's not here. Failing to obey such a direction is a criminal offence.

THIS WEEK'S ACTUAL EXAMPLE:  You come out of the pub at Northbridge, WA.  It's early in the morning, there are no cabs. You're drunk, and so is your girlfriend. There's dangerous dudes walking around, but the police are present, so you feel reasonably safe. You wait for a taxi. There are no taxis. You and your girl are standing at the cab rank, minding your own business. The police approach and order you to "move on". Hang on a minute! Isn't it the dangerous dudes cruising the street, clearly looking for trouble, who should be getting this order? You don't want to walk off into the darkness with these guys around. There are no trains, no busses, no cabs. The cops leave. Now there is no security at all. You continue to wait for a cab. What else can you do? The cops come back. Both you and your girlfriend are arrested and charged with "failing to obey a police direction". What the *^%%$?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS SCENARIO?

1     The charge is not a deterrent

If you are intent on assaulting some random person, or so drunk and violent you don't care if you do, it is unlikely the threat of being charged with "failing to obey a police direction" is going to stop you!


2    The charge presumes police will always make intelligent directions.

To "direct" a drunk young couple to walk from the relative safety of a taxi rank in a lit-up street into the dark surrounds of a suburb, totally lost and a long way from home, early in the morning with no other transport, with dangerous people around and, apparently, no police protection, is unecessary, dangerous in itself  and plain stupid. Why would anyone obey a police officer telling you to do that?

3    It doesn't help anyone. At all.

Who benefits from this scenario?  The resources of the police are used, lawyers are engaged, the resources of the police are used again, as well as the courts, the charges are dismissed as ridiculous. What a waste of everyone's time! And for those who can't afford a lawyer and simply plead guilty to get it over with - lasting criminal convictions that hamper job and travel prospects, at the least.

4    The thing we tried to fix remains broken

Why did these powers come in? Because there were too many drunk, dangerous dudes outside pubs late at night.  Now, they just lurk in the shadows around the corner and wait for people who the police ask to "move on" to come their way!

COURT DUDE'S SOLUTION

Scrap this power. The police can't use it properly. It doesn't work. We already have similar offences such as loitering. Provide more cabs, more busses, more trains. If police are present, kindly brief them that their role is not to simply send all the drunk people out into the darkness away from the pub to fend for themselves, but to help to provide a secure environment in which people can actually get home safely (ie., to actually deter dangerous dudes from being dangerous dudes).

Are we really oppressed?

Of course, you gotta put things in perspective. The Aussie version of oppression is not the Egyptian, or Tunisian, version - for example.  We are not being tortured by the police (at least, not on a large scale...); we are not living on $2,000 a year, and we can choose who we vote for (although - what a choice!)  It is unlikely hundreds of thousands will pour into the streets of Sydney, Melbourne or Brisbane, any time soon, bent on either major legal reform or death.

True enough, we are not as badly off as the many people around the world who suffer from malevolent dictatorship. Does this mean we should do nothing to make our own lives better?

I can tell you for a fact that there are thousand and thousands of Australians who do feel oppressed. Some have been prevented, for example, from driving their car on the road for trivial reasons. There's no public transport where they live. They can't get to their job. They're fired. They can't go look for another job, and couldn't get to it if they found one. Suddenly, they're unable to make a living. They can't pay their mortgage. They lose their house. This is a pretty serious punishment for accumulating too many points for minor traffic infringements - wouldn't you say?  It is oppressive. It's not as oppressive as being waterboarded by the CIA, I'll grant you that. But is is oppressive. And it is happening in Australia. Right now.

I don't live in Egypt or Tunisia. I live in Australia - the Nanny State. The Care Bear State. There are plenty of problems right here to keep me occupied. And, just like the Egyptians and Tunisians have figured out, there is plenty we can do about it.

Recipe 2 - Court Dude's authentic Jambalaya from New Orleans

Ingredients

• 6-8 boneless skinless chicken Breast
• 1 lb Andouille sausage
• green peppers
• yellow peppers
• orange peppers
• red peppers
• cubed ham 
• 3 center cut pork loins
• 1/2 cup red beans
• 2 big cans of chicken broth
• 1/4 cup cajun seasoning 
• 1/4 cup chili powder 
• 8 bay leaves
• 2 tblsThyme 
• Pepper 
• cayenne pepper (optional) 
• 1 lb butter 
• 1/4 cup chopped garlic

Directions

Prep vegetables and andouille sausage into bite size pieces, and set aside
In large pan melt butter, and add garlic, and chicken and pork, brown meat and remove from pan when fully cooked
Once meat is removed add all vegetables, ham and sausage and simmer them in remaining butter for a few minutes, stirring constantly.
Once butter is absorbed into veggies, add chicken broth and raise heat to not quite boiling point.
Cut meat into bite size portions and add back into mix
Add Cajun seasoning, bay leaves and chili powder. Season to taste.
After 1 hour, add remaing spices, and red beans.Just add enough spices to whatever you think tastes good. Jambalaya is a very personal dish, so be creative. Reduce heat to low, stirring occassionally to keep from sticking to pan, and until thick enough for your desired consistency. Serve garnished with chopped Green Onions.

The Nanny Part One

"Dad, why do we have a Nanny?"

"What are you talking about, son? What Nanny?"

"The  largish woman in the corner, dressed as a cop, twirling that baton around. She said she's the Nanny. She keeps telling us what to do. She never shuts up."

"Oh, her...she's just helping you abide by the Rules of the House. It's for your own good."

"But I'm 23 years old."

"Yes."

"I don't need a Nanny".

"She's not a Nanny.  Stop calling her that!"

"I'm an intelligent person. I'm responsible. I care about my fellow family members. I do my chores, and I pull my own weight. Why do I need this fat bitch to tell me what to do all the time?"

"Watch it, son. That's offensive language under the Rules of the House. She'll be on to you..."

Recipe 1 - Court Dude's Most Amazing Garlic Bread

Ingredients

• 1 (20 ounce) loaf French bread, sliced
• 1 cup olive oil, divided
• 1 tablespoon crushed garlic
• 1/2 cup cream cheese, softened
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano
• 1 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 teaspoon chopped fresh parsley
• 1 pinch salt
• freshly ground black pepper to taste
• 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Directions

1. Preheat your oven's griller. Line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil.
2. Heat 1 tablespoon of the olive oil in a skillet over low heat. Add garlic; cook and stir for a few minutes until fragrant.
3. In a medium bowl, stir together the cream cheese, garlic, oregano, basil, parsley, salt and pepper. Mix in about half of the remaining olive oil until smooth. Spread 1 tablespoon of this mixture onto each slice of bread, and place them on the foil-lined cookie sheet. Sprinkle Parmesan cheese over each slice, then drizzle with remaining olive oil.
4. Grill for 3 to 5 minutes, or until cheese is bubbly and golden brown. Watch VERY carefully, it will brown fast.

Let's get this thing going!

I speak to around 20 to 40 people every day on the phone, from all over Australia, who call after seeing my websites offering legal representation.  Some are in tears. Some are so anxious and upset that they can barely speak. Some are friends or relatives of those in trouble, who can't or won't call themselves because they're too embarrassed.

Most of those who call need a lawyer, and I help them with that. Some don't need a lawyer at all - they need a psychiatrist! And some just want to talk about a system they see as incredibly over-officious, over-regulated and over-bearing.

I don't think anyone with a brain who has ventured outside their home in the last 20 years will dispute that we in Australia have a lot of rules.  Mark Webber has called us "The Nanny State", and he was right.

 Dirty Harry once said " Briggs, I hate the goddamn system, but until someone comes along with changes that make sense, I'll stick with it."

Well Callahan, it's about time someone came up with some changes that make sense. Because it's getting out of control. Really.

I would estimate that, of the thousands of people I organise legal representation for every year, about 60% of the charges against them are utterly pointless. They do not keep people safe. They do not keep order in the community. They do not provide anyone - and I mean anyone - with a single benefit or positive outcome. What they do, in fact, is create family tensions, fear, severe stress, anger and a feeling of oppression. All of which, no doubt, lead in turn to many people committing more "crimes", and getting into even greater trouble with the law. A classic vicious circle...

You can see a brief description of some of the actual cases I deal with on my website www.courtdude.com.  As you will see, some of the charges, are, of course, serious and necessary for the orderly running of any civilised society. But as for the far-too-many that are not, during the course of the year I am going to give you more detailed real life examples, as they happen, of the absurdity of Australian law and how it is enforced by those august champions of justice - the Australian Police.

And maybe we can all come up with some changes that will satisfy Dirty Harry, Mark Webber, and me.

Historic moment

My first ever blog post! Now, I just need to think of all those things I wanted to say...stay tuned.